Fifty Shades of Grey

I thought that seeing as this book has received such widespread coverage I would give my thoughts on it, but with the vague assumption that most people reading this will have read it or at least heard of it. Massive spoilers.


Most members of the BDSM community have tended to praise the book for bringing BDSM into the mainstream, but have also written off as only engaging in very light play. I think this is an interesting criticism to have because although there isn't much beyond spanking and a bit of flogging, in some ways Fifty Shades of Grey represents an incredibly high level of control which even the author herself does not seem to acknowledge.

OK, so the play isn't that controlling and there isn't much pain. But when Ana gets a job, Christian buys the company to make sure that she is safe and gives her her own car, expensive clothes, laptop, Blackberry etc. The author is at pains to point out that Ana is made uncomfortable by this - but only vaguely so, and she does use the things he buys her. In many ways, that strikes me as more of a fantasy than hard play. The fantasy of being a kept woman who is monitored throughout the day by her boyfriend is hotter than just the idea of a flogging. If you want to take the story as a representation of what a D/s relationship is like, you could argue that Christian's behaviour is appalling and controlling - but if you take it as a fantasy, then it's far more interesting. So, for example, I would not like to actually be kidnapped and raped, but as a fantasy I enjoy it.

There are some very strong implications of abuse causing BDSM urges throughout the book that I obviously disagree with. Also, the book isn't about what you might think; I spent much of the first book thinking that she'd end up being his kinky sex slave and loving it, when actually she 'saves' him from his controlling ways and they pursue an egalitarian relationship with a bit of play spanking here and there. 

Although this isn't a complaint, I found it interesting that I found it so weird that she didn't have to ask for permission when she came. This says more about me than about the author; I find it telling that I'm so wired now to do it that I find it really weird when other submissives don't have to ask for permission, to the extent that I'm not sure I'd be able to physically come without being given permission. 

He allows her to come freely when they're together but bans her from masturbating when alone. The book doesn't make much of this - because Ana has never masturbated or had an orgasm before him, which I find pretty odd - but I think there was a potential to make that a lot hotter, given my own penchant for orgasm control. 

But I don't want to be too harsh on the book. I read all three books within two days, so whatever complaints I may have now about the writing style and the plot obviously didn't put me off at the time. I just in general find it interesting that a relationship with such a controlling man was taken as 'light' BDSM from most within the community. 

Posted in: on Thursday, 10 May 2012 at at 14:30 0 comments  

Good sex or more sex?

Last weekend we had really good sex, but we still only managed to have sex twice. As we only get to see each other at weekends, this is the only sex we get for the week, which doesn't seem like very much, but is as much as we can realistically fit in given our circumstances. This prompted my bunny to ask if we had enough sex, which has in turn prompted this post.


We generally both get a lot out of sex, both physically and emotionally, so I think both of us would want more if that was possible. That said, it is an interesting question as to what is more important to us: whether we have good sex or whether we can have more sex? There are a number of arguments in favour of both of these options, but overall, which one would I take given the choice?


First of all, us having good sex makes us really want each other sexually. I would be attracted to my bunny even if we didn't have the great sex we do, but it adds some extra lust and passion to our relationship when we both really enjoy and want sex. Also, because of how powerfully my bunny can orgasm sometimes, and the intensity of our sex, afterwards she goes into a very submissive frame of mind, and can even be unable to communicate or move. This puts her in a vulnerable position and she needs lots of looking after, even as she starts to regain her abilities, which gives me a great chance to do just that and I enjoy it a lot. Finally, it is hard to quantify, but I think the fact we have such enjoyable sex also strengthens the emotional bond between us and has helped our relationship grow over time.


On the other hand, given the sex is so good, it leaves us wanting more and can leave my bunny in particular feeling like something is missing when we are unable to have sex. I also experience this, but given the effects I have described above I think it has a slightly larger impact on my bunny. If we were able to have sex more frequently we would be able to feel the strong emotional and physical attachment and pleasure it brings more often, and this might strengthen our bond further. We also might find that there are other benefits to more regular sex, or other dimensions that are created, such as it becoming regular service my bunny gives me, or something else.


Overall, however, I think it is more important for us that we continue to have good sex rather than more sex (although hopefully in the future we can have both). I think us having great sex brings more benefits when taken on its own compared to having lots of sex. If we had lots of sex but it wasn't very good, I do not think that would be a very good situation for our relationship, yet we manage OK now having great sex a couple of times a week, which I think indicates the importance to us of having good sex over having lots of sex.

Posted in: on Wednesday, 9 May 2012 at at 18:30 0 comments  

Brainwashed?

There is an extent to which I think I am brainwashed by Sir. Maybe psychologically trained would be a better term for it. I am conditioned to like certain things by him liking them. I begin to want what he wants to want.


So for instance when we were on our break it proved too difficult for me to give him back control of my orgasms. I think it would also have hurt him to have asked to have that right back, but it would also have hurt me. I'm so used to thinking of it as his that I wouldn't want to without his permission.


Now I have to ask for every orgasm, including when I masturbate during the day (and for each orgasm not just masturbation period). I've kind of internalised the idea that the orgasms aren't mine and they're for his pleasure - so I've begun to fantasise more in the direction of Sir completely taking away my right to have orgasms on my own, or taking them away when with him too. He says he isn't interesting in doing that which I have to accept (and the idea does scare me too) but the fact that he could do that if he wanted is really hot to me.


There is a certain position during sex which is particularly uncomfortable for me, which Sir likes to put me in. At first I just found it uncomfortable and was mildly annoyed and sort of put up with it when he put me in that position. And now I have reconceptualised that position. So it's no longer me putting up with it; I enjoy the discomfort I'm in and enjoy feeling used.


I find that I can more easily reframe things to fit my submission. So, I might see Sir putting clamps on me more overtly as a sign of his dominance, but when he doesn't use them for a while, I rethink of it as Sir denying me rather than forgetting or not being bothered.


I wonder how far this would go. Orgasm control and being used are things which I had some interest before, but now thanks to Sir I have become a lot more interested in them. I think that it is likely, given how I've managed to rethink of the uncomfortable sex position, that when we start anal training again I will at first find it uncomfortable but then find that discomfort hot. But then maybe this brainwashing could be applied to other things that I don't know about. I don't understand the extent of it, or how deep it could go. 

Posted in: on Thursday, 3 May 2012 at at 21:30 0 comments  

Needing Control

My bunny obviously likes to be controlled throughout our relationship, as that is our dynamic. Sometimes, however, she can suddenly feel like she needs to be controlled, in any way, almost our of the blue. This can be triggered by a number of things, such as an orgasm and the endorphins she gets from that, or just from something someone says or something she does. Often my bunny feels ashamed of this, or embarrassed, but I think there is no need for this.


Needing control is just part of who my bunny is in our relationship dynamic. She functions a lot better when she is given clear instructions and a clear structure of what to do. People work from different motivations; some people are self-motivators (and I personally fall into this category), while others prefer to follow as their motivation. Just because people are motivated by different things does not make them any better or worse than each other. The different methods might be more practical in different situations, but they are just different ways people function.


I think my bunny worries sometimes that she creates too much work for me and it is an effort for me to provide the control she wants. I enjoy giving her control, however. I thrive on responsibility and being in control. I enjoy knowing that my bunny is doing what I say and that I am having a direct effect on her welfare. Partly it is because I enjoy feeling useful, and it is nice to feel powerful, but it is also something that makes me feel secure. If I am in control of the situation and of my bunny, then I know I can influence what happens and make sure things go in a direction I want them to.


When my bunny has to ask for control, other than me just realising she needs it or choosing to control her anyway, it accentuates the feelings I have just described. The act of her asking really shows me how much I am needed and wanted, so I enjoy that in itself. It also highlights how much my bunny wants to submit to me, and even though it can be fun to play with forcing my bunny to do things, ultimately I want her to want to submit to me, and if she didn't then our dynamic would not continue.


I am also proud of my bunny for being able to tell me she needs control. It is not always easy for her to tell me that, because of the reasons I mention above, so I know it takes a lot of courage and effort for her to ask me to control her. I do not think she needs to worry, however, as it is a perfectly natural thing to need or want control from someone else, and there are many examples of this in everyday life, such as people in the workplace going to their superiors for guidance, or children to their parents. Even so, I am still proud of her because these concerns do exist for her, and she does very well to overcome them in asking me for the control she needs at times.

Posted in: on Wednesday, 2 May 2012 at at 22:08 0 comments  

Language

Language is evolving all the time. The words we use have connotations which we may not be consciously aware of. We don't want to offend people unnecessarily, but we also don't want to limit our freedom of expression. It's important always to think of the intentions people have when they say something, but words in of themselves aren't powerless. 


I have a few examples of where I personally do and don't draw the line in regular life.

I use the phrase 'grammar Nazi' to mean someone who is really particular about grammar. I am usually referring to myself when I talk about it, and this phrase is in common parlance. However, the Nazis were of course a fascist group in Germany who committed genocide. 

If a friend of mine asked me to not use the phrase 'grammar Nazi' in front of them, I would of course stop. I am aware that 'Nazi' is a loaded term with its own violent history. I would hope that they saw that my intent was not to equate being careful about grammar with murdering Jews, but I would still stop in any case and apologise for any offence caused.

But I'm not going to stop using the phrase altogether. I think that that particular phrase has evolved to the point where it is no longer offensive and a point for humour.

On the other hand, 'retarded' used to be a medical term for someone with learning difficulties. Which makes sense as 'to retard' means 'to slow down'. But now the word is a derogatory term for someone with learning difficulties, or for someone who is stupid. 

I do not use this word. For one thing, it does push my buttons in a way that I can see 'grammar Nazi' does for some Jews. I have two brain damaged uncles and the association is unpleasant for me. But even if I didn't have the family history, I would not use that word because it is widely seen to be offensive; there is nothing funny about being mentally or developmentally challenged. 

Sometimes we like to play with language. I feel that my kinky desires are perfectly natural and fine. I have consented to having sex whenever Sir wants it, based on my needs and wants, and I am very happy with that. But I don't want to be told I'm a 'sex-positive feminist' in bed, I want to be told I'm a dirty slut and I should be ashamed of myself. 

Here's a word that most people in the kinky world know and use without question: slavery.

I study American history. Of course, I knew before then about the evils of slavery. But reading more about it has led me to feel rather ashamed of myself that I use that word to describe myself. 

I am not a slave. Not anywhere close to being a slave. And no, putting 'consensual' in front of it does not clear things up either.

I have not been kidnapped and taken from my home. I have not been forced to engage in hard manual labour for every day of my productive life. I have not been beaten, raped, or had my children taken away from me. Nothing about my relationship with Sir is like a relationship of the American slave and Master. How dare I equate myself with that kind of life?

One argument is that the name no longer means what it did. Language has evolved. 

In a sense, this is true. We have a whole community that relates to itself based on its own codes of language. Even though there is a huge debate about certain words, we have a terminology where everyone knows the code and everyone knows what we're getting at. Words like submissive, master, slave, aftercare, play, scene. 

And in another sense, no it hasn't. No one knows about this code but us. We are not the mainstream. In the mainstream, a slave is still the African-American exploited for their labour. And slavery still exists, including sexual slavery. And not, oh God, I love being a sex slave, but oh God, I've been trafficked into a European country in the hopes of a better life and if I don't have sex with these people my pimp will tell the immigration authorities and I'll be sent to prison or back home where I might be killed. 

There is another problem with using the word slave. The best example I can think of to demonstrate this is the word 'gay'. It commonly is known to mean 'homosexual'. But it is often used in slang to mean 'bad'. The defence is that gay no longer means what it meant before, and that the people saying it don't mean that being homosexual is bad.

But presumably the way that the word has changed shows us something about the subconscious associations of the two words. By saying that something is gay, meaning bad, we are associating homosexuality with wrongness. 

In a similar way, are we associating our kink, our power dynamic, with African-American slavery? Do we sub-consciously feel that there is a link between our lives and theirs. Do we deep down want there to be? Do we think that we would have enjoyed giving up our freedom and being used?

From this, I should probably conclude that I am not a slave, in any mainstream sense of the word. The fact that the D/s community has picked up on that word tells us something fairly unpleasant about ourselves (and our knowledge of recent history) and I should use a different word.

But what word should we use? We like the word slave presumably because it means a total absence of freedom which we like. (Although of course African American slaves did find ways to resist and had a culture outside of being slaves) So 'submissive' doesn't really do it. Nor does 'extreme submissive' because some people argue that being a slave is actually a different kettle of fish to being a submissive altogether.

I can't come up with a replacement word. But more than that: I can't get other people to agree with me and use it. I might say that we're not part of the mainstream, but clearly this is a community of which I am a part, and if I ditch certain words from my vocabulary, I will have a harder time relating to people in that community. 

So, perhaps out of cowardice, or even just brute laziness, I will continue to use the word slave. It's true that I haven't come across anyone else who has been offended by the use of the word, although many who have been confused by it. 

But let's be clear. I'm kidding myself. We all are. We are not slaves by any stretch of the imagination. I personally am not convinced that we have any right to use that word. But until I find another one that fits, I will stick with it. 

Posted in: on Saturday, 28 April 2012 at at 21:23 0 comments  

Could I submit to Sir if he was a woman?

What makes someone a woman? For the purposes of this blog, let's pretend that the only thing that would change would that Sir would have a different body. A hot woman's body. 


I've said before that I think gender is a construct but one that we can't totally free ourselves from. So, while I think that there is no biological reason that women should be more caring or nurturing than men, culturally that's what society tells us, and there are more women who stay at home and raise children or go into a caring profession.


This question should be a no-brainer. Sir would have the exact same personality, which is what I fell in love with. Even if I was heterosexual, there would be an argument that the real Sir hadn't changed at all, so I would still want to submit to him. But in fact I identify as bisexual, so it should be easy for me to respond to him as a woman sexually.


However, this is where I get caught up in my own prejudices. I know they are prejudices, but I can't shake them nonetheless. I know that there are dominant women, and I know that sex doesn't determine whether you are submissive or dominant. 


But when I'm attracted to a woman, I am never interested in submitting to her. I don't respond to women that way. I don't feel like another women could dominate me. Even though I know that there are 100 pound women who beat the shit out of 300 pound men, I feel like the physical differences between Sir and me contribute to my feeling dominated. Sir really can pin me down and look after me given my size. 


Shamefully, another part of my antipathy towards submitting towards women is probably deeply ingrained misogyny. We don't see a lot of women in powerful positions, and the narrative is generally that those women who are in charge are bitchy and just use their sex appeal to get ahead. Which is again, totally untrue, but it's shaped my prejudice towards dominant women that they can't be dominant and compassionate at the same time, and that they must be deep down pretending - just like deep down all high flying women just want six babies and a rich husband.


So let's say that Sir turns into a woman. Would I be able to stay with him, given how much I need to submit? Well, yes. Ultimately I realise that my prejudices are just prejudices. I'm not saying I wouldn't be very uncomfortable at first, but I do realise that I'd rather submit to Sir-as-a-woman than any other man.

Posted in: on Thursday, 26 April 2012 at at 10:44 0 comments  

Getting back to normal

We are both back at university now, so that couple with our recent problems being resolved has meant it has been a period of getting back to normal. This has actually happened very easily, with us slotting back into our respective routines pretty quickly. We manage to spend more time talking when we are in our usual situation as we are now, so that is good, and I will be going to visit my bunny for the first time this term this weekend.


I have also been getting used to my new code of conduct and the implications that has had. We did some blowjob training last week, which was very good, and although my bunny has been very busy so we have not really had time or energy to do more since, I am anticipating doing some more this weekend at the latest. I have had to threaten my bunny with a punishment if she didn't get her work done, and thought this through properly and explained my reasoning fully, so that even though I didn't have to actually punish her, it went well. I have also given my bunny something to work on for the week, which was to work on her mood swings and telling me when she is in a bad mood.


Things work better when we are at university anyway, as we have more time online at the same time and see more of each other at weekends, but I feel the measures I have brought in will work well. I have been forced to think about our relationship more, which has been good, and to take a more measured approach in my dominance. As a result I feel more confident in my ability to control my bunny and do what is best for her and us.


Apart from that not a lot has been going on, because we have both been busy with lots of work to do. I am looking forward to seeing my bunny this weekend and hopefully there will be more to write about after then.

Posted in: on Wednesday, 25 April 2012 at at 22:21 0 comments  

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